I'll have to admit I'm feeling discouraged this morning. The culprit? Comparison. Ugly, wretched word...just typing it makes me want to puke. But yes, that is it. This morning I saw a photo of a twin mommy who was breastfeeding both her babies right after birth. That caused a few tears. God, why didn't I get that? I did everything right! Worked out, tried to stay positive, ate huge amounts of protein and all sorts of healthy things for my babies, did it all with my husband away in intense military training, moving at 35 weeks pregnant with the worst PUPPS rash you can imagine, moved in with my parents, and labored for several hours before Mark even got there....Who could deserve a perfect delivery more than me? (so my prideful flesh thinks) I haven't had huge struggles with how the twins delivery went and was just so grateful to have two healthy babies, to not have had a c-section or pain medication, to be able to breastfeed both together eventually, for Aksil being healthy after his few days in the NICU. Yes, lots to be grateful for, but the "whys" seem to be hitting today. I LOVED being at the birthing center for Aksil's delivery. So calm, peaceful, perfect. But I have to come back to the fact that everything went exactly how God planned it. And that is ultimately what I want. He was so obvious in it all....Praise Jesus!
So back to my ugly word. Another thing that has me discouraged this morning is comparison with other moms, moms who have it easier it seems. I live away from everyone I know, my husband works 48hr shifts and nights, when he's home he's sleeping, he's gone almost every evening. I'm pretty much all on my own (or it often feels that way.) I'm suppose to cook, clean, shop, change diapers, nurse twins 6x/day, read baby books, have a close relationship with God, keep up with birthdays/anniversaries/special occasions back home, pay bills, organize, decorate, play with the kids, workout, and eat healthy? That's when I think of those moms who only have one baby, who's husbands have normal jobs or even stay at home jobs, who live close to help or have multiple babysitter options. How is life not easy for you people?? How can one baby even be hard?? Yes, these are honestly the thoughts that run through my head, I'm sorry to admit. And yet I know people out there look at me and think "gosh, she sure has it easy....what is there to complain about?" The truth? Yes, I AM blessed....TWINS, wow! "Children are a blessing!" and I love, love, love having two. I've never ever wished we only had one. I have a fabulous husband who loves me and helps whenever possible. He works hard and I never have to worry about having enough money for food, bills, or things we need. He is an amazing provider. We have a beautiful home and supportive family who flies out to help me. In fact, my wonderful mother-in-law flies in tonight. God, Your timing is amazing. Yes, in so many ways I do have it easy. I am so blessed.
Comparison is an ugly word. Lord, forgive me!
4 comments:
I've also had so many of these thoughts. You are not alone! One of my dear friends shared a quote with me years ago that I'm often reminded of..."Love ends where comparison begins." Comparison is an ugly sin that we're all guilty of, but acknowledging it and recognizing it as sin can help us to replace it with the love we should be feeling for each other. I'm sure that just by typing out all your feelings that you're able to move past some of these negative thoughts.
I think its perfectly natural as a mom of multiples to think (dozens of times a day) how easy things would be with one. I know I think it all the time, but I never want just one. I don't know what I'd do without all of my babies. But I do feel like I've lost out on something when I see friends with one baby who can go pretty much anywhere they want and take their baby along like its no big deal, or who were able to give birth naturally (amazing that you had yours without drugs!!) and not endure a c-section recovery, to hold their baby right after delivery and not have to go "visit" their own babies in the hospital under the watchful eye of dozens of strangers day after day for 5 weeks. I have realized though that everyone (even parents of only one) has their stuff that's not easy. I'm thankful and I'm sure you are too that God has given me all of my experiences, good and bad, because I know my heart is fuller, my soul more humble and open to others because of it.
Its ok to have those discouraged days though. You can't be too hard on yourself for feeling that way sometimes, because this is probably the hardest thing that you (we) will ever go through. I can't imagine taking care of your babies with your husband gone so much and being far away from family. I'm sure you are doing an amazing job being a wife and mother who cooks, cleans, organizes, manages finances and looks good doing it! The internet is guilty of showing the prettiest side of ourselves to the world so it seems like everyone else has it all together, but I bet we're all struggling in the same ways.
Jessica - I have so much respect and admiration for you and the way you have handled all of these (drastic) changes in your life with such grace and trust in our good God! You are an amazing, loving, God-honoring wife and mama! Your love for your precious babies is evident even through each blog post, facebook picture, and status update. As hard as it is (and I know it is!), remember this is just for a season.
Even with my (only 1) baby, I had days like that, too. I think it's normal, and I also think it's magnified when you're making the sacrifice to nurse your babies. Nursing is a huge personal sacrifice! You give up your life for that season, so that you can give your kids the very best start. It is SO challenging, being the only one who can provide that for them, and doing so on such a tight, constant schedule. Keep it up, friend! You are doing an amazing job, and it will just keep getting easier and more fun as they get more independent! :)
You are an amazing mom and wife, having two kids is a blessing yet such a challenge as well. Mine are spaced out over years and they still challenge me, I have no idea how you do two at the same age and same time. I often feel like pouting and complaining when Ben goes on business trips or has to work late, that is nothing compared to the life you lead day in and day out. God knows your strength, He trusts you with these 2 precious lives and knows that you will give them the best. How lucky are we as moms to look into tiny little faces and see angels staring back at us, all because of a master plan by a wonderful Father in heaven.
Motherhood is one of the greatest yet loneliest jobs there is, husbands try to get it but they just don't and they aren't meant to. Other moms will be there to listen, encourage, love, and support you no matter the miles seperating you. Lean on other mom and especially moms who share your faith and will love and pray over you. You are great, this too shall pass and yes you feel terrible for having these thoughts but they are normal and God knows the truth in your heart.
Love you girl, Brenda
Jess, I didn't know you were feeling like this. Good to hear your heart though. I will be praying for you and Mark during this challenging time. Hang in there.
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