Yes, it's 1:33am and I'm awake. Missing Mark horribly and coping through journaling, blogging, and listening to music. These songs bring back so many memories, and here I am, listening to them yet again. Apart yet again. I remember it being early on in my pregnancy when Mark was going through Basic Training and our main form of communication were letters. I lived for the weekly phone call and a chance to hear his voice. I was able to write him almost every day, but they kept him so busy that he could only get a letter or two in the mail a week which he would write by flashlight after lights were out.
I'd try and get out early morning when it was still cool, since it was July/August. Or sometimes in the evening after work. Walk out my front door, pop in the headphones, and for a little bit I could jog off, pray off, cry off some of the loneliness. I remember crying a lot on those jogs, which later turned to walks as my belly grew bigger.
When I'm feeling all alone,
with so far to go.....
Oh God, will you come close
Every night I'd go to bed in an empty house. Just me. And our sweet, growing babies inside me. I dealt with a lot of fear during that time. Being alone and pregnant in such a huge, empty house was hard for me. Yet, I learned some great lessons that I know will help me later on when I face one of my biggest fears.
All those weeks of being apart from Mark while he was in training seemed so far away once I moved to Albuquerque. He was home almost every day. Even when he had crazy night shifts at the hospital and 48 hour fire station shifts, I still saw him, still hugged him, kissed him. Eight months of being together spoiled me and those seven months of being apart are all too raw and fresh in my mind now. Here I am, barely three weeks in and I can't stand to think of how many more weeks we have ahead.
You lift me up, Holy One, Holy One
When I but come, You're enough, You're enough....
To You I run
Of course God is faithful as always. There are days when I'm not sure how I'm so strong, surprised at times I haven't broken down or lost it. The grace of God. Such a beautiful thing. He is the only reason I'm ever strong at all. He chose me for this and He'll never leave me through it. I'm so privileged to be His child, to be the wife of Mark Driggers, to have our precious twins, to be with family who loves and supports me. He's called me to this and He'll walk me through it.
Another wave of doubt, will it pull you under?
When you take that first step into the unknown
You know that He won't let you go...
So when I'm walking in Wal-Mart and all the sudden I feel the tears, or I'm asked to pray and I break down, or I lie in bed alone and cry into the pillow, or I can't sleep because there is a part of me that is cold and empty....that is when I'm reminded yet again that I'm not doing this alone. No matter what, I'm never alone.
So I'll hold tight to what I know
You're here and I'm never alone...
All together, right before Mark left (September 11th, 2011)
*Light Up the Sky - The Afters
*Holy One - Rush of Fools
*Walk on the Water - Britt Nicole
*Never Alone - Barlow Girl