"And my God will supply all your needs according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus."

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Alone....Yet Not Alone

Yes, it's 1:33am and I'm awake. Missing Mark horribly and coping through journaling, blogging, and listening to music. These songs bring back so many memories, and here I am, listening to them yet again. Apart yet again. I remember it being early on in my pregnancy when Mark was going through Basic Training and our main form of communication were letters. I lived for the weekly phone call and a chance to hear his voice. I was able to write him almost every day, but they kept him so busy that he could only get a letter or two in the mail a week which he would write by flashlight after lights were out.

I'd try and get out early morning when it was still cool, since it was July/August. Or sometimes in the evening after work. Walk out my front door, pop in the headphones, and for a little bit I could jog off, pray off, cry off some of the loneliness. I remember crying a lot on those jogs, which later turned to walks as my belly grew bigger.

When I'm feeling all alone,
with so far to go.....
Oh God, will you come close

Every night I'd go to bed in an empty house. Just me. And our sweet, growing babies inside me. I dealt with a lot of fear during that time. Being alone and pregnant in such a huge, empty house was hard for me. Yet, I learned some great lessons that I know will help me later on when I face one of my biggest fears.

All those weeks of being apart from Mark while he was in training seemed so far away once I moved to Albuquerque. He was home almost every day. Even when he had crazy night shifts at the hospital and 48 hour fire station shifts, I still saw him, still hugged him, kissed him. Eight months of being together spoiled me and those seven months of being apart are all too raw and fresh in my mind now. Here I am, barely three weeks in and I can't stand to think of how many more weeks we have ahead.

You lift me up, Holy One, Holy One
When I but come, You're enough, You're enough....
To You I run

Of course God is faithful as always. There are days when I'm not sure how I'm so strong, surprised at times I haven't broken down or lost it. The grace of God. Such a beautiful thing. He is the only reason I'm ever strong at all. He chose me for this and He'll never leave me through it. I'm so privileged to be His child, to be the wife of Mark Driggers, to have our precious twins, to be with family who loves and supports me. He's called me to this and He'll walk me through it.

Another wave of doubt, will it pull you under?
When you take that first step into the unknown
You know that He won't let you go...

So when I'm walking in Wal-Mart and all the sudden I feel the tears, or I'm asked to pray and I break down, or I lie in bed alone and cry into the pillow, or I can't sleep because there is a part of me that is cold and empty....that is when I'm reminded yet again that I'm not doing this alone. No matter what, I'm never alone.

So I'll hold tight to what I know
You're here and I'm never alone...

All together, right before Mark left (September 11th, 2011)

*Light Up the Sky - The Afters
*Holy One - Rush of Fools
*Walk on the Water - Britt Nicole
*Never Alone - Barlow Girl


Hannah T said...

Your amazing Jessica! The sacrafices you have and are making are amazing. What an incredible story you and Mark will have to tell of the journey of God's faithfulness in your lives and the adventures you experienced. Blessings on you! May peace and joy rule and reign in your heart during this season.

The Kinley's said...

My heart is aching for you......I couldn't sleep and am so glad I peeked at your blog. I'll be praying this verse over you and will keep you on my daily list for the Lord.
“My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever” (Psalm 73:26).

I know all to well what it's like to ache for your husband, just not the the extended time you've had to experience.

Sleep well tonight :-)

Michelle said...

Jessica, my eyes filled with tears as I read this post because my heart aches for you! I have no way to know what it feels like to be separated from my husband for so long, but I can imagine the pain, loneliness, and sometimes frustration of "why me?"! Jess, I am inspired by how the Lord is drawing you close yet again during this separation! He is proving himself so faithful to you. What a special blessing and testimony even for Aksil and Avery!

You are on my mind a lot and will continue to be in my prayers, sweet friend! If you ever need to call, I'm almost always free. :-) I love you am praising the Lord for giving you strength and perseverance!

Courtney said...

What a beautiful look at your heart. Thank you for sharing and allowing us to pray for you on your journey! I can't wait to see in the years to come the way the Lord uses these times in your life to give you ministry to others who are also aching and missing someone. May your heart be full of His love and may your time with your family be precious! It is so encouraging to hear your praises in the middle of your trial. Praying for you to have sweet rest tonight!