Sometimes it's ok

Yesterday was my 26th birthday....so very different from the year before. At twenty-five we were still in our first little house on Augusta, Mark was a firefighter, I was a nurse, we wanted kids at some point soon, but no particular deadline, and there was no discussion about the military. Twenty-six is completely different, not in a bad way at all, but overwhelmingly different. New house, twins on the way, Mark gone two and a half months already, a move out of state in our near future, I still hold my job as a nurse but have added to that list mother and military wife. If you'd told me all that a year ago I'm not sure I'd believe you....

Wednesday morning I woke up with a bit of self-pity. We always spent my birthday together, went out to dinner, or just hung out together. This year I knew I'd get a phone call and that was it. But wait, why am I thinking that way? That's it? But I DO get that. I get to hear his voice, know he's ok, hear him say "I love you," know he is just 5 hours away. That's more than a lot of people get.

It's all about attitude. I decided I could go through my twenty-sixth birthday wallowing in self-pity that I don't get to spend the day with my husband OR I can look back over the past year, over the past 25 years and be completely overwhelmed by God's blessing. A husband who loves me, a strong marriage, two precious babies on the way, a great house, a job I love, an exciting future, fabulous support from family and friends, and twenty years of knowing my Savior. Wow. In a matter of minutes there was a smile on my face....what a great day it was to thank God for His many blessings.

And although an attitude of joy and thankfulness is vitally important there are always points of "weakness" I guess you could say. But at times that weakness is ok, or rather, that vulnerability, that depth of love for one person. Tonight after talking to him the tears just came. Week after week of not sleeping in the same bed, hugging him every day, kissing him morning and night and whenever I want, him not being there to talk to, to laugh with. It's hard, just no way around that. But sitting here with tears running down my cheeks, it made me realize that its ok to miss him and ok to cry. I'm not giving in to self-pity or choosing to be ungrateful for God's blessing. No. I just love deeply, that is all. I just understand more completely the precious gift God gives in marriage. As Mark's wife, supporting him is what God has called me to do, and I couldn't be more proud of my man. I respect him and love him with my whole heart. I wouldn't change a thing. He is doing what God has called him to do, and I support that man one hundred percent. But some days it's ok to just want him home. Because some days it's ok to love in that way. Tomorrow I'll be strong again.


"You lift me up, Holy One, Holy One
When I but come, You're enough, You're enough
You fill me up with Your love, with Your love
To You I run Holy One...."

"Holy One" by Rush of Fools